I’m about to spill some guts here, (oh, how I wish!) so try not to judge.  This, for me, is a form of therapy.

So, last night was kind of my last “hurrah” for doing as I please in relation to eating and not exercising.

I won’t say, you just don’t understand because I know a lot of you do understand where I’m coming from.

In my mind, I have struggled furiously with my decisions about the food I eat, the beverages I drink and what I do with my time.  Whether I like to admit it or not, there is time to exercise.  Maybe not a lot of it, but there is definitely 5 or 10 minutes here and there.

My problem is energy.  I don’t physically feel like exercising.  Saying ,”I hate exercising.” rolls off of my tongue so easily.  It’s cliche’, I know, but it’s easier to just eat what I want and hope that I don’t gain anymore weight in the meantime.  (Ding, ding, ding!  Amy, wake up!  You don’t live in a perfect world!)

I need to make big changes right now.

I’m sick of feeling unhappy about my appearance and I’m tired of my low energy and low self-esteem.  I wasn’t like this before.  It really isn’t only that but that is definitely a big part of it.  I think about life and health.  I think about being around to experience life with my husband and my girls.  Sure, I’m busy (so busy) raising them but what happens when I am unhealthy in the future and we can’t enjoy spending time with each other down the road?

I think about that…a lot.  So much that it literally depresses me.

I was driving down the highway last night and passed by a weight loss center.  I almost crossed three lanes of traffic, pulled an illegal u’ee (that’s slang for making an illegal u-turn) into their parking lot, came to a screeching halt, busted through the center’s doors, fell to my knees and just flat out begged for help.  Screamed for help.

Somebody help me.  Pull me out of this rut.  Make all food taste bad so I won’t eat it!  Make exercising easy, so I’ll do it!

Ok, I said I almost did that.  I continued down the road and thought about it for a bit and then snapped out of it.   I went and ate a mini club sub at Jersey Mike’s and afterward, in a moment of weakness, I walked into Fannie May right next door and bought five delectable chocolates.  I’m not kidding when I tell you that it was almost like a strong, magnetic force made me go into that store.  I was almost in a hypnotic state.

I carefully picked out each chocolate, then, I got into my car and I ate them.  I ate the five chocolates and you know what?  The entire time I was trying to enjoy their rich, dreamy taste, I was cursing myself.  I felt like a little kid who just got into trouble (I was scolding myself).  Then, I went and tried on swimsuits.*

*This, people, is the perfect form of self-torture.  It’s the hardest smack in the face, you know, the one that stings the most.  The biggest wake-up call.  The ultimate reality check.

I can’t keep doing this.  I’m stuck in a downward spiral.  I keep grasping and trying to pull myself out but just keep getting sucked back in.

I’ve been keeping this in for far too long.  I want to feel good about myself again because I just don’t.

I’m trying to make myself “better”, all around.

So, that’s it.  That’s all I’ve got.  Starting now, I’m trying to change my eating habits, get up and sweat a little bit (or a lot).  Meal planning, snack planning, exercising and strength training and planning.  Trying to think and feel healthier.  Trying to cut out some of the wants.

I’m a baby.  I need to ease into this.  This is extremely hard but believe me when I say that I want this so bad.  No more suppressing my feelings about it.  I need help.  I need pushed.  I almost need a drill sergeant to keep me on my toes, night and day.  I feel so…so…yuck.

I’m not a tracker or a planner (so daunting) and I love the way food tastes, the healthy and (mostly) the not-so-healthy stuff.  So, this is going to take some work and I’m going to have to make some big changes.  I’m exhausted just thinking about it.  See?

I know it’s not going to happen overnight.  Can I even make this happen?  Ugh.  God, I hope so.

Day 29 – NaBloPoMo

April = Big