I can’t recall ever making a “New Year’s resolution”.  Maybe when I was younger, like in grade school but I really don’t remember.  I’ve always sort of been anti making a resolution.  It just stresses me out to even think about making one.  I just do the best I can every day and that suits me just fine.  The whole New Year’s resolution thing…highly overrated.

At least, that has been my attitude for a while and then last year happened.

It wasn’t a “great” year.  It definitely wasn’t the best year for us.  Yes, Teagan was born.  Yes, that was a great thing.  But there were a lot of things about last year that just flat out sucked.  So, there were many times that I caught myself saying, “2010 is going to be a better year.  We’re going to make it a better year.”  That’s me following the advice of my dad, spoken during one of our very last conversations.  Make it happen, he said to me.  You have to make it happen.  Those words have rang through my ears year after year after year.  I didn’t make much happen last year because I was physically and mentally drained, from everything.

So here we are, the year 2010.  I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how I could make this year a better year, better than last year.  But I can’t write anything down.  I can’t pinpoint just what it is about this year that I’m going to make better.  For now, I’m just practicing waking up and getting through the day.  My time is not mine anymore.  It belongs to my kids and my husband.  I’m still battling wanting to do for me but feeling guilty because I want to make them happy and comfortable.

No one said growing up was easy.

I want to shed those 30 pounds I’ve gained over the past five years.  I want to eat better.  I want to take better care of my skin.  I want to feel better, mentally and physically.  I don’t have the energy or time to make it happen.  Make it happen.  It’s not as easy as it sounds anymore.  In fact, every year, it gets tougher and tougher.  I feel myself slipping, becoming weaker.  I feel myself aging.  I see myself aging.  I’m starting to realize that I really am getting older.  The aches and pains that go along with aging, I feel them.  The gray hairs, they’re popping up everywhere.  I feel my time slipping away from me.  So, why can’t I just make a damn resolution and stick to it?  Why can’t I do for me?

I know that I want to be around for a very long time.  I want to see my girls live their lives.  I want to spend time with my grandchildren.  I want to take trips with my husband because I have this new found interest in seeing other parts of the world and I want to do that with him.

So, will someone tell me where to find energy to do for me?  I think I may need to lose the attitude about resolutions.  See how salty they make me?