After almost four years, I finally get a “positive”.  I cried.  I’m in disbelief because it has been so long.  So many months of trying and being disappointed.  I’m only about 3 or 4 days late, so of course, there is still so much to be determined.  Though, it’s hard not to plan ahead.  My thoughts race to 9 months from now.  I know how much can go wrong and how much can go right.

At this point, I’m going to do my best to retain my excitement.  I may tell one or two…or three girlfriends but until I’m past the first trimester, I hesitate to let the cat out of the bag.  After having a couple of miscarriages, I feel fragile.  I don’t fully trust my body.  Even with hailey, she was premature.  I’m extremely nervous about that happening again.  She’s wonderful and smart and healthy now but back then, times were tough.

I’m anxious for my eight week mark when I can go to the doctor and see that little heartbeat on the ultrasound.  I may be in disbelief until then.  Unless, the morning sickness kicks in full force.  I remember with Hailey, I didn’t get extremely nauseous until right around that eight week mark.

I suppose since this is private, I can let out some of my excitement here.  I would like to wait to find out the sex of the baby.  : )  I think waiting for the surprise at the end instead of the surprise in the middle would be fun and exciting for all of us.  I want to nurse this baby and I want it to work out.  I want to wear this baby because it will be so convenient.  I missed out on that with Hailey.  She’s so lovely now, so I guess I shouldn’t have any regrets.

I want to be relaxed with this baby.  I know I won’t have the stress with this one that I had when I was pregnant with Hailey.  My work situation is without question, the most ideal one that I could have.

I would like to talk to some midwives.  I think that might help keep me calm.  I want to make sure that the doctors know how I want to deliver this baby.  I didn’t write up a birth plan for Hailey.  I want to hold this baby from the minute he or she is born and start nursing right away.  I just want these experiences.  I don’t know if this one will be our last baby or not but if he or she is, I need to make sure that I don’t “wish” that I did “this or that”.

That’s just me, wanting it all.

Hailey is going to be so amazing with this baby.  She just adores babies.  She’s going to be the best big sister, hands down.  I feel like crying just thinking that.  My baby, my little girl is going to be the BIG sister.  Wow.  Another little human being like her.  I can hardly wait.

As far as how I physically feel right now; I am still getting over a cold.  I have a sinus infection.  I need to call the OBGYN today to let them know I got a positive result and that I’m taking Lexapro.  As far as I understand, I should not take that while I’m pregnant.  So, at this point, I am going to stop taking it.  It’s not going to be fun, I’m sure I will have withdrawls.  I’d rather not be on any kind of medication during my pregnancy.

My pregnancy.  Wow.

I’m feeling tired.  I have been though.  My body just feels worn out.  I think that’s a combination of being sick and now the weather is cold.  I’ve been busy with work and with the blogs too.

Oh, I am just so happy.  I am so happy to be pregnant again.  I’m praying so hard that this works out.  I believe this baby will be a July ’09 baby.  That means, I’ll be pregnant for Emily’s wedding and I’ll be due right around the BlogHer Conference.  Oh, there will be some planning and adjustments to come.  ; )

Bring it on.