Last Thursday, I came down with the flu or something. It very well could have been my nerves. I’m currently seeking full time employment after staying at home for two years and the stress of that is getting the best of me. A lot of emotions have been flowing. Guilt, anger, sadness of letting someone else care for my child. I find myself asking, “Why didn’t I do things differently? Spend less money? Why didn’t we play our cards right?” Whatever that means. Our house is still on the market after almost three long, stressful months and anyone who has tried to sell a home with a toddler running around knows where I’m coming from. Needless to say, the low dosage, anti-anxiety medicine that I’ve been on since Hailey’s seizures last year doesn’t seem to be doing the trick anymore.

I’ve taken “blogging breaks” from my personal blogs and really contemplated writing here this evening until I read something tonight that forced me to take a step back. The documented illness and death of a blogger (or “person”).

I decided for the first time in a week that I would go through my Google Reader to find out what I’ve been missing in the blogging world lately.  I haven’t been interested much in that since I’ve been trying to get my own personal life back on track.  I was skimming through a blog that I visit quite often when I came to a post about the death of a blogger.  I absolutely cringe when I stumble upon posts like this or when I see “Pray for so and so”.  Please don’t think I’m an uncaring person, I’m just the opposite, actually.  I get sucked in.  I don’t want to go through the archives of the person who has passed but I find myself lingering on their blog and reading about their last days or weeks and putting myself in their shoes.  My husband tells me to stop reading when he looks over and tears are flowing down my face.  I tell him that I can’t.  I tell him that I need to know more, I need to be sad for this person.  In a way, it makes me put my own life into perspective.  Why was I so depressed all day that we don’t have a penny to our name?  Why am I so upset that I won’t be spending the majority of my days with my toddler soon?  Look at what this person is going through.  I am not worse off than they are.  Their situation makes me take a step back and appreciate that I have my health (I think) and a loving family and a roof over my head (for the time being).

What kind of person does this make me?  Am I using their situation to make mine seem less important?  Is this just another one of my cop-outs?

Blogging has changed a lot of things for me.  I’ve become acquainted with more people who believe in the power of prayer and that’s something new for me.  I’ve never put my faith in God as much as some of these people do.  I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, I’m just saying that it’s different for me.  It makes me wonder if I should be doing the same thing.  If I blog about needing my house to sell or getting a job, will I get the same prayer response as someone who is asking for prayers for their lives?  If I make a button for my blog asking for donations to help pay our bills and mortgage, so I can stay at home with my daughter, where I want to be, will people make donations?  Is that so wrong to wonder?

*One of my original Chicago Moms Blog posts