I’m over at The Washington Post online today.

Struggling to find that work/home life balance.

One Mom Heads Back to Work — Reluctantly

By Amy Mueller

For the past two and a half years, I have been a stay-at-home mother. We have one child, a girl. Since I have become a parent, most other things have taken a back seat in my life, including daily showers and wearing make-up. I have been OK with that. I welcomed this change with open arms. I have a community of wonderful women surrounding me who relate to my priorities: We want our kids to be happy and comfortable, and that is more important to us than the newest shade of eye shadow or Coach purse.

But I digress. Last week, I started my first full-time job since the birth of my little girl. I don’t have a choice in the matter, as our family needs the extra income. My husband and I talked to our toddler about the changes. She knew she was going to start “school” and that Mommy was starting a new job.

Getting out of the car at day care, she looked at me with her huge hazel eyes and told me that she was scared. I assured her there was nothing to be afraid of. But really, what do I know? This is my first experience with day care, too. I told her that I would drop her off and pick her up later in the day. That did not stop her from asking me if I was coming back.

As soon as we walked into her classroom, she turned to make sure I was still there. I walked her to a small table where some other kids were sitting. Alligator tears started streaming down her face. I thought to myself, “Stay strong. She will love her day care and she’ll be fine once I’m gone and the day begins.” After a few minutes consoling her, I quietly left.

Walking away from a child who is upset and confused has to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a mother. For two and a half years, I’ve been the one who makes everything better. In this new role as a working mom, I have to leave and hope that she becomes stronger each day.

Everyone tells me “it gets better.” Sure, kids adjust quickly. What about the parents who long to be the caregivers in their child’s life? Going back to work may be harder on me than on my toddler.

Then, I have to deal with my emotions regarding my new job. I remember that feeling of being “successful” and “career-driven” before I gave birth to my daughter. Right now, I feel more numb and disconnected than anything else. I’m giving up being a parent full-time for something that I wasn’t missing all that much.

At the end of my first day, when I arrived at the day care to pick up my little girl, there were already parents and children filing in and out of the room. I peered in through the window in hopes of catching a glimpse of my baby laughing and playing and having a grand ol’ time. Instead, I saw my child, looking impossibly small, standing alone with a red, tear-streaked face. She was looking around the room frantically, like she’d been forgotten in an unfamiliar place. My throat thickened as I made my way to her. She saw me and cried out in a combination of relief and terror. I held her tight. I assured her that I always will come back for her.

I’m not a fan of playing with my child’s emotions. I am trying to find the balance of being a stable role model for my child, all the while holding back the frustrations and desires of becoming a working mother. Typing this after my third day in, my eyes just couldn’t stay open any longer. Our daughter started running a fever last night. She still has it, so my husband is forced to take another day off work tomorrow. We’re thinking of switching to a smaller, home-based day care rather than a large day-care center. The stress in our house is running high. I have to be honest; all this doesn’t even come close to justifying my feelings and emotions about my situation. They say it gets easier … do you think it will? For me? For my child? When did it get easier for you?

Amy Mueller lives in the Chicago suburbs with her family. In addition to her new full-time job, she blogs for Chicago Moms and reviews kid books and products at MumsTheWurd.