My bright, 26 month old toddler will spend her first “real” trial day of daycare this Thursday. I previously visited this daycare when I attempted to go back to work last year. It seems fine but truthfully, I don’t know what I’m looking for. I mean, it’s a classroom environment and it’s the cheapest I’ve found. I’m having a hard time getting used to the fact that next time we visit the daycare, I will leave her there. She will be afraid and confused and not know anyone. She will wonder if I’m ever coming back. She will feel alone. My overwhelming sense of needing to protect her is making it extremely hard for me to be excited about starting a new job.
When we visited the daycare, I remember walking into the toddler classroom and all of these little people were sitting around tables, eating goldfish crackers and drinking from little Dixie cups. They seemed lifeless.
They all just sort of gave me a blank stare when we entered. We left and I had very mixed feelings about the whole situation. I don’t want my baby to be treated like a number. What she knows now is that she wakes up and spends the day with someone who genuinely loves and cares for her. Someone who teaches her and gives her one-on-one attention. Someone who she is comfortable with and calls “mommy”. She knows her surroundings and naps in a familiar place in a comfy bed. This has been our routine for the past two years. Obviously, I can make her feel safe and comfort her like no other.
As for me, I will get back into the swing of things in no time. I’m at ease in an office atmosphere. Although, my mind will constantly be on her and how she’s getting through her day. Will she have feelings of resentment toward me (can she at her age)? Will she feel scared and abandoned? We are so in tune with each other that I’m just not sure how this is going to go.
I know my husband misses her during the day while he’s at work but he at least has had the comfort of knowing she is with her other parent and being well taken care of. He can’t possibly understand how this is going to affect me and her for that matter, not spending time with either of us for a large portion of her day.
I can already feel my heart in my throat when I think of not spending my days with her. I so enjoy watching her and teaching her. Being her mother is my one true passion and it is really the only thing I’ve ever been good at. I feel like I’m partially giving up the only job that I’ve ever loved and I’m really scared.
*One of my original Chicago Moms Blog posts
