I happen to be very fortunate and grew up in a loving home with a big family. I’m the youngest of eight children, all boys and then me. My brothers would come and go as I was growing up, moving in and out of state. People always asked me how it was growing up with all of those boys around and truthfully, I don’t remember. I was so young when everyone was coming and going. We all got a little older and my brothers married and started having children. I always thought things were perfect. New families, new traditions. But then, things started to fall apart and there were separations and broken familes. It was hard for me to understand these situations because I knew that my parents would never split up.
Then, I grew up and moved away from home, seeing my family less and less. I now have a more “adult” relationships with my brothers but I feel that the distance grows more and more between my nieces and nephews and I. I see how much this hurts my mom and wish things could be different for her. She longs for her family to be together and keep in close contact.
Unfortunately, some of my brother’s children are at what I call the “angry” age. They’re still too young to really put the past behind them and understand the importance of family and unfortunately, not all grew up in happy homes. It breaks my heart more than anything because I’m not far off in age from some of them. I recently located one of my estranged nephews and have attempted a relationship with him. We met in person after him not knowing about me for 18 years. It felt good to find that “missing link”. Everyone in my family was ecstatic but at the same time, my nephew grew up with a different family and is old enough to be on his own, making his own decisions. None of us will ever get back that time with him and he’ll never have memories of my family like I wish he would. I hope to remain “friends” with him if anything. I know he may never consider me family like I do with him.
Then, there are my niece and nephew who had it rough growing up. It wasn’t their fault. It was their parent’s fault. BOTH of their parents. One gets into trouble and the other directs her anger toward my family. Because they have no relationship with their father, I’m not sure there is anything I can do to establish a relationship with them. I have tried to reach out in an attempt to make amends but so far, there has been no response. It bothers me that I have family out there who can’t look past “the past” and try to make a future with each other. Just because they may have ill feelings toward one person in the family, doesn’t mean that they should shut out the rest of us, the ones who really truly care about them.
I suppose in some ways, that’s easier said than done. I tend to agree with my mother’s views on our family situation. My mom loves all of her children dearly, as she should. No matter if they have treated her badly or done wrong in their lives. She loves them unconditionally, as any parent should. She wants to love her grandchildren that way too. She expresses this to me quite often. She deserves to have a relationship with these individuals. Why can’t they understand that? Why can’t they see what a good person SHE is and let her love them? This I will never understand and in a way, am glad that I can’t understand. I choose to love my family through the good and the bad. For my nieces and nephews who choose not to let in their family, you don’t know what you’re missing. There is a lot of love out there for you but you just have to come to terms with your anger and wrong-doing. You are all old enough to understand this. We are family, like it or not. If you should ever choose to come around, we are here for you and will accept you with open arms.
*One of my original Chicago Moms Blog posts
